The Spoken and Unspoken Lessons I Learned in Therapy 

I was unwilling to look out for myself.  

I don’t mean this physically or in caring for my own necessities of life. What I mean is that in the prioritizing of my sense of attachment over what was most appropriate for my own wellbeing, I didn’t look out for myself. I was making life altering decisions based upon the relational sense that the devil that I knew was better than the devil that I didn’t. That a bread crumb was better than having no bread at all. This had been explained to me as self-destructive in my 20’s and it just didn’t resonate at that time.  

I look back now and relate this behavior to how I handled therapy over the years. If my therapist made a condescending remark towards me, I let it be under the guise that it would be more work or money to find another therapist. When a therapist rejected responsibility for things that he’d said and told me that he was, “sorry that I felt that way”, I acted as if that were a real apology and not a complete contradiction to the “checking people” technique he had been trying to encourage me into. The fact that he was unwilling to apologize meant that he was in a personal position in this therapist/client relationship, and it was time to go.  

I didn’t listen to myself.  

I had a therapist tell me this very simply. And I knew it was true. When I started attending sessions feeling like my once beloved therapist had given me all that he needed to and it was time to move forward, I grappled with how to say it. So, I continued for many pointless, misunderstood sessions. In other areas of my life, I carried on relationships with people that I knew meant me no well. I didn’t take my own advice. No matter how clear my inner voice was, it was never enough to overpower the attachment issue that lay dormant in the foundational structure of all my decision making.  

I was willing to let others disrespect me 

I wasn’t just involved in meaningless situationships with people who directly disrespected me. I’d adapted to the belief that if I had the ability to easily recognize the motive in others’ bad behavior, then it was my duty to accept whatever behaviors they displayed. I’d convinced myself that it would be morally wrong to say anything that could hurt them or call attention to their insecurities because I’d then be doing what they did to me. This was just stupid.  

Yet I carried on for years. When my sister fell into a head back laugh when I said getting through college with two kids was hard, I stood there looking at her perplexed like an idiot. When I took my daughter to a therapist for what appeared to be overly sexual behavior and the therapist asked me “do you do that,” I explained myself like the question was appropriate. Whenever someone blatantly belittled me, I thought of ways to win them over and just get them to like me. I lived in a state of low self-esteem; the external source that validated these thoughts didn’t matter.  

I didn’t know how to take care of myself 

I didn’t know how to say no when needed. I overexerted myself and looked for other people to notice that I needed a break. I suppressed my needs because they didn’t seem to matter in my family dynamic. I didn’t ask for what I wanted because I didn’t think that I would get it anyway. I lowered myself when “morally needed” so that I didn’t appear more competent or more effective than someone else’s insecurity. I tried to force others into accepting me because it was too much work to accept myself when no one did.  

Effectively, I never lived the life that I truly wanted because there was just no way to do it under any of these circumstances. I’ve had my share of good and bad experiences with therapy. When my eyes were opened, I wasn’t happy about any of these experiences. Over time, I learned to accept these experiences as I have everything else in my life, as an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop a deeper understanding of people. 

Most importantly, this was a great time to understand myself. Further, evaluating the why behind these behaviors allowed solutions into changing these behaviors. 

The obvious answer is to do the opposite of everything mentioned. The more difficult part is the reshaping and retraining of the mind to respond differently. I implore you all who have resonated with this way of being, to shovel until you reach the root causes of these behaviors. Once you’ve reached the roots, establish a plan to make changes within yourself. 

Be easy on yourself as it will not be an easy or linear road. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. This is a fallacy and frankly a waste of time. If you are in a room with people that you need to compare yourself to, you may be in the wrong room. Additionally, some people who have struggled far less, tend to have a developed understanding that they are superior to others because of their heightened judgement or abilities, when they were actually never placed in a position to make the choices that someone else has. Their options were different.  

So, believe in you. Trust you. Work your way to the happiness that lies on the other end of your perpetual shame. There is someone waiting for you to be you, so that they may learn the way too. It’s time to get moving. Onward.